Showing Scars

Damaged Not Broken

I want to start by saying that I know that others have gone through and will go through far worse than I. Talking about what has happened is part of letting it go. I often wonder if I will ever be truly free of it. It comes when I least expect and often when I never thought it would. It sends my cowering away and hiding away as if it is happening all over again. Over the years I have not had the best luck with the opposite sex. Yes, I know that everything happens for a reason and that I am stronger because of it; however, it doesn't change the fact that these things are a part of who I am.

It is hard to imagine yourself as beautiful or attractive when you grow up being told otherwise. I was always the "fat" kid or the "nerd" that very few wanted to be friends with. It didn't help matters that I dressed strangely. I was bullied regularly for not having the money to afford the name brand clothing. I grew up with a warped image of myself, always conscious of the number on the scale, how much money I could pretend to have, and where I could go hide to read. Every word in the image above, I have heard more times than I care to acknowledge.

Some believe that we except the love we think we deserve. I never realized the intensity of this statement until now, looking back. I would always make excuses for them. They love me so their temper will never be pointed at me. I deserved it. I shouldn't have gotten in their way. He didn't mean to hurt me. It is only one bruise. Calling me fat is just a way to vent his frustration. I am not good enough. He manipulates me to keep me safe. He was only protecting me.  I would hide the bruises, the tears, and the fear. I wouldn't tell anyone and dare I say something to the guy that hurt me. Leaving didn't usually occur to me and when it did I was too afraid to do so. I was stuck in a never ending cycle. Don't get me wrong, there was a good guy here and there that would give me hope that I could be loved.

I have overcome so many things since those times. I have learned my value and my worth. I have stopped making excuses. I learned the warning signs and how to find my voice. I learned to say no and to walk away. What I haven't learned is how to stop the triggers. Over the years they have decreased dramatically; however, when it strikes, it its hard and to the core of my being. I crumble every time. I often wonder if it will ever end or if this is just my reminder to appreciate the good things in my life and how far I have come. One thing that truly helps is the wonderful people in my life. They are not afraid to hug me and tell me that everything will be okay. They understand. They care. They get me through. With them by my side I can get through anything. And I will get through this.