There has been some things weighing on my mind lately. Sometimes it becomes just too much to carry on my own. I was encouraged to write about it so that I can let it go easily. So I am going to take a deep breath and just write. I understand if you don't care to read this and want to move along. This is not intended to be a happy post. For anyone that does decide to read this post, thank you. You are showing me support and for that I am grateful.
For so many years you were the only person I ran to. You were my best friend, my twin. I am sure if I was to count each night I stayed at your house it would add up to over a year. That isn't counting all the days that we spent together. Let's not even begin to count the small little things that only we understand. The plans and ideas we had together and the years we spent planning. The number of spoken and unspoken promises add up too. You don't have to worry because all of those things are safe. I am not out to hurt you or destroy you.
I tried so hard to keep our friendship. I devoted my attention. I listened when I wanted or needed to speak. Yet you still blame me. It seems like now that I have decided that if you have no interest in my life, then I have no interest in yours, that you want to come around. I know nothing will change even if I try. I have been trying for so long. The other day I realized something. There has been a wall built between the two of us. We have each put brick after brick in it. Who is to say which one has put the most, but I know it has been going on for some time now.
It hurts to realize that even after everything it wasn't enough. I am not saying that I was not good enough. I am saying that my effort was not good enough. You say that I am a million miles away when I am around you, it is because I am. I am guilty of not fully being there. Let me explain why. I spend so much time in my head analyzing every detail of what has happened since we last seen it each other to see what I should say that shouldn't upset you or push you farther away. When there is so many things screaming at me that I want to let out, but I know I can't, it is hard to shuffle through. It is like shuffling through a 300 page book for 5 pages to share.
You say that you have no interest in my relationship with my Nathaniel... Well in saying that you say you have no interest in my life. Nathaniel is my life, along with our daughter Avary. When I realized that you said you had no interest in them, I realized I have no interest in you. I took the time to listen and learn when it came to your relationship with your new boyfriend, with your mother, and with your crazy sister. All the while my mother, that of which you claim to be yours as well, was so sick. You had no idea the extent of her illness and you never asked. I sat scared and alone while my mother could not even walk as you complained about how your family life wasn't the best. And yet I have been selfish.
You have decided not to compete with "those bitches" because they have money. I want to know what in the world that has to do with me. While my back was turned you said "I hope she doesn't fall in love with their money and change." I want to know how I would do such a thing. I have nothing in my hands that their money has been used on. I do not even want their money, and if you truly knew me as much as you say you do, then you would know their money means nothing to me.
There are so many more things that I can include, but I am done. Today is the day I lay it all to rest and walk away. Maybe in several years when you grow up and realize what has taken place then we can try to build a friendship again, but for now I am finished. I am no longer your doormat.
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