By definition, abuse is to treat a person with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. Even the definition implies a physical aspect, and for many years mental abuse was not viewed as a plausible cause for separation or divorce in America. Do I believe that the view points of abuse has changed for the better, yes; however, it is easy to identify with a bruise, cut, or a scar. What I want to talk about is the damage that is not visible to others. I want to talk about how my past abuse has effected me mentally.
For me, my abuse has been mostly emotional. Anything from being constantly put down to being forced to believe I wasn't worth loving. I was made to believe that I did not love someone if I did not do a certain thing for them. "If you love me you will do this for me..." Using guilt to persuade me to do something, or to make me feel a certain way. "You made me do it..." Blaming me, my actions, or my words for how they treat me. "If I don't love you, no one else will..." Making me feel like I have nothing without them. All of these events has caused emotional scars.
Over the years the initial events have faded and blended together, but in their absence, fear sets in. Fear of never being good enough, fear of being left, and fear of change are just a few. Over the years I have developed a mentality of what I see as normal and what triggers me to thinking that something is wrong. When my 'something is wrong' button is triggered, I automatically start thinking that I have in turn done something wrong. I am aware of just how incorrect my thoughts are. Recent events have made me realize just how selfish it can be for me to let my past cloud my present. Faith and trust has always been something that was very hard for me. I had let myself trust the wrong people for the wrong reasons, leading me to being hurt multiple times.
I have began a process of retraining my mind in the way that it views things. One part of that is realizing that not everyone will understand why I see things the way I see them; however, that does not mean that they do not care. It is not their burden to undo my past and to prove to me that they will not hurt me. Love is not about never being hurt, it is about learning to love each other through the pain. Being hurt will happen, but only true love can overcome those times. Because a thousand smiles is worth one night of tears.
This will not be an easy process, nor will it occur overnight. It is time for me to let go and to have faith. My vow is to better myself, to not let my mind over analyze the simple things. I am putting an end to my past. The past is not a prediction of how my future will be. It is a reminder of how beautiful life truly is when you find your place in the world. I will use my past to show me where I have come from, but it is time to view myself as a survivor, not a victim. It is time to live fully and wholeheartedly.
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