Tomorrow, Sunday the 19th is Father's Day. (Happy Father's Day to any amazing fathers that I have reading this - or belated if it is afterward.) As the sun begins to set where I am, I am reflecting on my day and the past eleven months and two days. For anyone else, that is just a number, a time frame, the past; however, to me, that is how long it has been since I lost my father. That time has been filled with many first that now end in "without my dad"... my first birthday, my first breakup, my first time living alone, and many more. This weekend I am facing one more. My first Father's Day without my father.
It had become a tradition, however short lived it was, to go to a car show during the month of June that usually fell on Father's Day weekend. The memories from those trips are still fresh in my mind. Memories that I will never forget among the things that I hold dear to my heart. My father was a simple man, and he loved simple things. He enjoyed joking around with people, vintage cars, and fishing. I am sure I am simplifying his interests, but those are the things that stand out clear in my mind.
Visiting his grave today was very hard, yet something that I had to do. As I walked down the hill it all set in. It has almost been a year. The time has flown by and yet it seems impossibly slow. In my hand I carry a fishing lure. A simple little yellow and orange lure that he had left in the car ages ago. Something, that until today, I had refused to move from where he left it. (There is a list of those items throughout my life now, one of which being the chair I am sitting in to write this post.) It wasn't in my mind as we drove to the cemetery to take it to him. I hadn't thought to get him anything for Father's Day. My mind just took over and I carried it to him.
I left it on his headstone, just in case he needed it. I never wanted to be the person to talk to a headstone, but more and more I find myself trying to talk to him, just wishing he would answer me. Because I don't know what I would give to go fishing with him one last time, to have one more hug, or more commonly one more argument. I have always been told that you never understand the value of something until it becomes a memory. I now understand that. As each day brings new changes to my life, I cling to my memories, sometimes a little too hard. Tomorrow will start with being my first Father's Day with my father, but I hope that each day is another step towards making him proud of the woman that I am becoming.
If you made it to the end, thank you from the bottom of my heart. This Father's Day, if your father is still with you, hug him extra close and never forget to tell him that you love him. And the same goes for any parents in your life. Treasure and value each moment you have with those that you love, whether they are big or small.
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