Personal Ramblings and Thoughts

The holidays is a very difficult time for me. For many years it hasn't been a time of happiness. Many may think it is for selfish reasons like not getting what I want, not receiving gifts, or the company in which I keep for Christmas. That simply isn't the case. The truth is, Christmas changed when I lost my grandfather. My mother's spirit changed. The decorations became less and less until it was a fight to have any decorations at all. It become opening presents and eating together, but retreating to separate parts of the house the rest of the time.

I am finding it hard to break that cycle. Thanksgiving is days away and Christmas will be here before I know it. In the middle of all of that, I am dealing with my grief. And yes it is a yearly thing. I strive to be happy and to make others happy; however, I sometimes get caught up in wishes. It becomes difficult for me to express what I am really feeling to others. It is a snowball effect. Often times others just see my sadness. I wear it like protective armor. There is a person under all of that, that just wants to be happy and joyful.

In writing this, I am hoping that I am catching it early and that I can change the course of this holiday season. No matter what the next few weeks hold for me, I want to be happy and smiling. My happiness doesn't lie in presents and gifts. My happiness is in the company and blessings. It is making memories and spending time with the ones I love. In whatever form that takes this year, I am going to enjoy it and appreciate it. I will admit, I have been waiting for happiness to come and doing nothing to change it. Quite the opposite of what I just wrote about not long ago.

I am so grateful for those close to me that have been so understanding with me. You are cherished and loved. Thank you for all the encouragement and inspiration that you have given me. I just ask (and pray) for patience as I work through it.