Day 5: Self Harm

Day 5:

A time you thought about ending your own life

I think I speak for several of us when I say, that this will be one of the most difficult blogs to write in this challenge. Thoughts of suicide is something that I have struggled with for years. As someone that has self harmed, it is a constant battle.

I was eleven years old at the time. My mother had been in and out of the hospital, and I was constantly being bullied at school. I was the girl with her nose stuck in a book, among other things. I had lost family members before, but to me he was invincible. When I got the news, my world collapsed in on me.

The next few days where a blur of tears, family, and condolences. I don't know what I thought would happen afterwards. That the world would stop turning and allow me to recover first? I have no idea. After a few weeks of expecting my grandfather to be there, I realized he wasn't there anymore. In that moment, I did not care to take another breath. I couldn't function. I even tried to commit suicide.

Every morning before I left for school we would have breakfast together then said our goodbyes and I love you's. That morning was different. We fought. I slammed the door that do without saying I love you. I never knew that it would be the last time I spoke to him. The guilt alone ate me alive. Cutting was the one way to stop myself from hearing the slamming door.

My grandfather was my world. Don't get me wrong, I loved all of my grandparents; however, he was very dear to me. Losing him sent my life into a tailspin. It was the first time I harmed myself. It took me years to recover. Sometimes it still hurts like it was yesterday. Moving on without him seemed so impossible. Turning to self harm was the only way I knew how to manage the feelings.

These ladies shared their heart right along with me in this challenge. Check them out here.
Mary Ann